this is really rough and based mostly off of six years of learning german that's never been tested in a native environment, and I'm not so sure what a shoeshine machine has to do with the whole kerfuffle, but I'd like to think I did a better job than Google (but not a better job than Hilbertastronaut!):

BACON IN SUITCASE TRIGGERS BOMB ALARM

LINZ - The baggage scanner at Linz Airport is set to be sensitive. Bacon in luggage sets off explosives alarms, as many a summer vacationer had to find out.

Police officers confronted a passenger with an x-ray photo and asked him to identify the object in the image. The simple explanation, "That's bacon in there", didn't pass muster. The owner of the ominious piece of luggage was summoned to the "Bomb Room", a room fortified against possible explosions. He had to open his suitcase while the officers waited outside. The bacon is identified as such- just bacon- and everything is settled. "The baggage scanner goes by the molecular density, and bacon has a density similar to most explosives", said an official.

However, the x-ray photo displays two discs and a cable in the suitcase, tipping airport police off to the design [of a bomb]. "What is that?", is what the officials would like to know. The passenger only shiftlessly explained that his wife packed it for him.

ALARM AT THE SHOESHINE

The passenger hopes things don't get worse, since he's divorced due to domestic bickering. Next to the luggage opening in the Bomb Room, there's an electric shoe shiner, like the ones in hotels.

A package containing a doll with wires and batteries included was opened by members of the bomb squad after the sender couldn't be traced. Afterwards, the experts established that it was harmless. However, upon first glance it seemed explosive, especially since it was destined for America.

On the whole, spoke Wolfgang Katzer, Director of Baggage Scanning with the security corporation Group 4, the passengers of the Linz Airport "are due a compliment. They are very disciplined and know the majority of the security regulations. A great deal of the carry-on luggage we get is taken on with inattention."

The police have to deal with more than just the contents of passengers' luggage. Take for example the case of the woman who wanted to fly the Virgin Mary to Rome. The officials contacted a doctor in Wagner-Jauregg Hospital (i.e. Bedlam) and consulted colleagues before detaining her. The officials are specially trained in handling mental illness.

those foam-clad pipes bring to mind a gigantic mcdonalds playplace

yeah, to hell with other cultures' visions of sexual morality.

Cripes, I haven't flown in about four years, has it really gotten that bad? I live near Kansas City, home to KCI Airport (MCI), designed for the maximum inconvenience in terms of security. Each of the three terminals is set up like a huge circle, with the standard airport-mall (and bathrooms) on the inside, gates on the outside, and a security barrier in between.

If you go through security and then have to pee (or want a newspaper/coffee/sandwich), you have to go out and back in again. Back in '03, this wasn't that big of a deal (take off your shoes), but I can't imagine dealing with that airport nowadays.

Also, a prediction: children born around now will read Kafka in twenty years or so and puzzle at what the big deal is.

All I can think of is a man spending years putting off his suicide by making the guillotine ever more perfect. In his final moments, he scours the device for one flaw, one error which would allow him to continue plodding along in life. The years of craftsmanship is well-reflected in the wood, the metal, the construction.

It is a flawless guillotine, the first of its caliber produced since the heyday of decapitation. He settles into the ergonomic headrest and is satisfied with the feel. Pride swells within him as the automatic neck-catch is triggered and the clean, silent slice allows him milliseconds of immense satisfaction before his departure.

I grew up in the heyday of cable television and was memetically fed on old 60s cartoon and comedy reruns, as well as crates of cheap, used Mad Magazine books.

I'm sure I'm not the only 20something out there who has been culturally imprinted upon by the glut of past media that used to outnumber new media on channels like Nickelodeon and who feels a twinge of nostalgia at the sight of this ungainly monster.