"Unwise Microwave Experiments" indeed.

I once had the bright idea of trying to dry out a narrow necked glass vase by heating it in the microwave (the idea was to heat the water in the vase so it would exit as steam). After a minute or two I was surprised to see a glowing spot on the vase. Hmm, didn't know you could do that - open the door to inspect - put face right in there for a good look - tiny voice in brainstem screams SHUT THE DOOR, MORON! - just as the door closes the vase explodes from the insanely uneven heating. Better to me lucky than smart, I guess.

It's Christmas, a few years ago. My 5 year old son has been given a "Walking Dinosaur Kit", a tiny and crude T-Rex model, the kind of thing you find in a science museum gift shop, made up of amateurish wood cutouts for the head and limbs which have to be screwed onto a little metal gizmo containing a battery pack and electric motor with an eccentric crank to drive the legs. The whole business is meant to walk on metal L-brackets screwed to the insides of the legs to form a Tee with the foot, with each bracket meant to step over the other so the machine can stand on one leg while moving the other forward.

Needless to say, it's all way too small and fussy for a young child to assemble: tiny (like, 3mm) screws and tiny pilot holes in the wood which you have to line up with the tiny holes in the metal gizmo. And, needless to say, my son wants to see the dinosaur walk RIGHT NOW.

I'm a pretty supportive dad, and generally pretty handy, so I get out the jeweler's screwdriver set and get to work slapping this thing together. Hmm - nothing lines up, and some pilot holes seem to have been omitted altogether, so it's guesswork. Plus, you have to get miniscule screws into tiny holes hidden behind the motor and gears, and drive them at a crazy angle so the screwdriver head tends to slip. The L brackets are all bent up and the stupid thing can't stand up without a lot of adjusting and fussing around.

The kids quickly lose interest, but I'm now locked in a death struggle with this kit. I haven't had breakfast and this is starting to piss me off. My wife starts bug me about ignoring the family on Christmas morning, which I feel is deeply unjust as I AM DOING THIS FOR THE CHILDREN, who no longer even care, which is even more unjust. After the better part of an hour I am just barely keeping it together but having already sunk so much time into it I am by GOD going to assemble this thing.

Finally victory is mine and the Walking Goddamn Dinosaur is more or less working. I summon my son, who eagerly throws the switch. The machine starts to take a step forward and the L-brackets entangle. It topples over, lays there writhing a moment, and then proceeds to tear off its own leg.

I can NOT believe it - after all that effort IT JUST TEARS OFF ITS OWN FUCKING LEG. The wood just broke like a goddamn cookie. It's like some surprise self-destructive kinetic sculpture that I was completely not expecting. I can't stop laughing for several minutes, and it's not a healthy kind of laugh. I don't think I've ever come closer to a psychotic break.

I really think I lost my mind that morning, just for a minute or two, which was actually kind of interesting. That's one Christmas I'll always remember when most are so quickly forgotten, so in the end it's kind of a beautiful story.